4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder,how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now?She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who isincapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is theexact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide forthe physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dadand mum for my child.
There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence,I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinkingthat there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and leftafter informing my sleepy child.
With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when Iam home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of allenergy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I wentstraight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped intomy bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all iheard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open myblanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowlwith instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!
Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, chargedstraight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and givehim a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, excepta short explanation:
"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But youwere not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But Iremembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove withoutany adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot waterfrom the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other isfor me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so Ihid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgotto remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."
At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but Ididn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroomand cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After thatepisode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and appliedmedication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time toclear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well pastmidnight, I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying,not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at thephotograph of his beloved mummy.
A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, tofocus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend tomost of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will begraduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leavea lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happilygrowing up.
However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. Thistime, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son'sabsence from school. I took off early from work and went home,expecting him to explain.. But he wasn't to be found, so I went aroundour house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside astationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, broughthim home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, exceptto say, 'I am sorry, Dad'. But after much probing, I realized that itwas a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is forevery student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as hehas no mummy.....
Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, thekindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Sincethen, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise hiswriting, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was stillaround. 'cos he makes me proud too!
Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It'swinter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is inevery passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas,my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off fromthe day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, thepost master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my sonhas attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although Idid make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but tohit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control.Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and noadditional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went tothe post office to collect the letters with no addressee and camehome, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.
His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.
My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continuedto ask him: " But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" Myson's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, buteach time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, henceI was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back tothe postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."
After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say....
I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future,if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it willreach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, andsoon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn theletters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldnt helpopening the letter before they turn to ash.
And one of the letters broke my heart....
Dear Mummy,
I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, andthe school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around,so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about itas I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all overagain. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide mysadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games atone of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldnt help it but scoldedand hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday Isee Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad andoften hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very verymuch. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting toforget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can seeyour face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with thephotograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person inyour dreams. But mummy, why havent you appear?
After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can neverreplace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....
For the females with children:
Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must besome kind of problems within the company, and it is not your soleproblem. Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary bethe answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you cantreasure and take care of your little precious.
For the married men:
Manage your time and health well, cos nothing can replace your good health, noteven business nor clients.
Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients aretotally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable.
Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your littleprecious and your loved ones.
For those singles out there:
Beauty lies in loving yourself first.
With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in otherthings around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don'tlet your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothingmatters more than your well being.
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