Ways to help children cope with their irrational fears.

CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW

MY five-year-old daughter has trouble going to bed every night. Some time last month, she was exposed to a violent movie that my maid was watching. My daughter saw a stabbing scene. Since then she has been complaining about bad dreams at bedtime.

She keeps thinking that she will get stabbed. She is so terrified that she says she has “bad dreams” even when she is fully awake. I feel that it happens when her mind is not occupied and her imagination gets the better of her. Sometimes she also fusses and cries, saying that her hair is falling into her ears or that she has a blocked nose and is unable to breath.

It takes a long time to pacify her. She will only fall asleep when she’s exhausted. This is the nightly routine before she falls asleep, at about 11pm. By then I am irritated and tired too. How can I resolve this? She’s not getting enough sleep. – Worried Mother

Parents often find it difficult to handle children’s fears. They may be annoyed at times when routines are upset by children’s constant fussing over what they are afraid of.

To young children, their fears are very real to them because they have heard or seen it happening to others.

Before you try to persuade your child to overcome her fears, show her that you understand what she is going through. When she cries or fusses, refrain from scolding or threatening her. Your daughter needs to be assured that you are there for her, no matter what happens. Ask her to talk about her bad dreams or what she is worried about. When she verbalises her thoughts, you can help her think rationally.

Children at your daughter’s age can have vivid imaginations. At bedtime, when they are tired and restless, they can conjure up many fear-related excuses to avoid sleeping. Instead of getting angry with her for delaying bedtime, help her to find ways to take her mind off her fears.

You can let your daughter know that you will stay by her side until she feels safe and sound. If she needs a night-light instead of sleeping in the dark, provide one for her.

When your child is afraid of something, show her how to cope. Young children can learn some coping skills to help them take control of their fears. Teach her to use her imagination to change the frightening images into safe ones.

Breathing exercises might help too; she can learn to take deep breaths, You can even read her some books on children’s fears. Talk about how the young characters in the book overcome their fears. Share your own experience with her.

When your child watches television with you, talk about the show and the characters who are merely play acting. Remind your daughter that when she sees an actor dying on the show, he will reappear again. This way, she need not worry that something bad has really happened to the actors in the show.

Children are constantly looking for ways to help them gain recognition, and give them a sense of importance and belonging. Sometimes children behave badly as a way to seek answers to the questions they have.

Try to stay calm and in control during these times. The more you are able to manage the situation positively, the faster your child will be able to cope with her fears. No matter how negative the behaviour, the same principles apply. If parents respond to their children in a negative and critical away, then their behaviour will persist. The less fuss parents make over chil:dren’s negative behaviour, the faster such behaviour will disappear.

When children behave appropriately and positively, parents can reinforce their behaviour with love and attention. Listen patiently to what they say and give them your full support. This way, children will learn that they need not behave badly in order for their parents to give them attention.